We Watch TBN So You Don't Have To!
One of the best features of The Washington Post is a column in the Style section called "We Watch American Idol So You Don't Have To!". It's perfect for people (such as yours truly) who don't watch the show but like to know what other people are talking about.
Well, here's my confession: I love watching the televangelists. I don't know why. Before my wife started cranking out kids, she worked in an emergency room. She used to watch ER, just to complain about poor intubation technique or excessive use of the defibrillator. Maybe it's something like that for me. I love to watch the guys and gals early on Sunday morning, doing their thing... it's like a car wreck that you can't look away from. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
So, I thought I should put this to good use. Last Sunday I recorded a bunch of TV preachers (none of them actually on TBN, I don't know what channel that is), some OK, others not so much. Here's my review of the Sunday that was... you can thank me later.
Judy Jacobs
-- The show begins with seven (7) minutes of up Ms. Jacobs singing an up-tempo version of "If You're Happy and You Know It Clap Your Hands". Occasionally Ms. Jacobs yells something not obviously false, like "Yes He Will!" or "He Can Do It!"
-- To make matters worse, there are five small white children dancing along on a Persian rug in the middle of the stage while she sings. They are wearing shirts with "The God Squad" emblazoned across them in bold letters. These kids look to be roughly the age of my children, and they are dancing and singing along with remarkable precision. Given that it takes 36 minutes to load my kids in a van, I can only assume that these children are on mind-control drugs.
-- Homiletics Lesson #1 -- When you have nothing to say, just repeat it louder and louder until the crowd is in a frenzy. Growl it if necessary.
-- Homiletics Lesson #2 -- If you lose your train of thought, start to speak in tongues for a few seconds until you regain your composure. Act like nothing happened.
-- Wow, this guy has one message -- Jesus is going to make you and everyone you know rich. I'm really amazed at the brazenness. Is anything more obviously untrue? Seriously, the people in the audience do not seem to be able to afford an orthodontist, let alone a BMW. As Dr. Phil would say... how's this working for you?
-- BTW -- 8/8/08 is the day that now becomes infinity (8 is the sideways symbol for infinity, of course). Mr. Parsley also informs us that 8/8/08 is "D-Day for the Devil". I trust Mr. Parsley isn't saying that thousands of Christians are going to die at Normandy on Friday.
-- If you sow a seed of $88.08 by Friday, God will cure your cancer and make you rich.
-- Did you know they sell DVD's of these "teaching series"? As if you might have missed something! I've been watching for 15 minutes and he's only said one thing, "Send me money!".
-- Homiletics lesson #3 -- If you lack the authority that comes with the truth, garner authority by screaming and then staring into the camera like a serial killer.
-- This old nun is just saying "Haily Mary" after "Hail Mary". Seriously, for like 10 minutes. I have to admit, after Rod Parsley, this is kind of refreshing.
-- I do not get the appeal of this religion. It's like none of the fun of the Prosperity Gospel and none of the truth of the real gospel.
Commercial Break
-- Commercial #1 -- TBN runs a theme park called The Holy Land Experience. This may be the most upsetting thing I've ever seen. Atheists everywhere are saying "See, I told you so."
-- Commercial #2 -- This is for a video series dramatizing the Gospel of Mark. It's basically two minutes of Caucasian Jesus talking to his disciples. Why does Jesus always have to sound like an effeminate British man?
Love Worth Finding With Adrian Rogers
-- OK, this doesn't count as the prosperity gospel. But the late, great Adrian Rogers is on Sunday mornings, so I'm throwing him in the conversation.
-- The sermon begins "Today, we're going to talk about the scourge of the church, the one thing that does more to destroy religion and ruin homes than any other thing." What could it be? Please, don't let him say "beer". Please, don't let him say "beer". It's pride! Woo hoo!
-- Man, it's great to hear the gospel after all the nonsense that has gone before. It's washes the stink of Rod Parsley off my soul.
-- I think the name says it all.
-- Homiletics Lesson #3 -- If possible, get a bunch of Hebrew words to use as the background for your power point. This gives the impression that you have cracked the Bible Code.
Creflo Dollar
-- In some ways, this guy is more dangerous than the rest. He doesn't have that crazy look in his eye, and he actually makes sense sometimes.
-- He talks in a moving way about his own struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts.
-- He also talks movingly about growing up poor. He talks about how happy he was as a kid b/c he didn't know how poor he was. Then, without a hint of irony, he talks at length about how Jesus wants you to be rich.
Overcoming Faith with Pastors Gene and Sue Lingerfelt
-- I don't think this guy is Pastor Gene or Pastor Sue Lingerfelt. He's really happy but a little scary. He seems like... I don't know... an old version of Matt Schmucker on a lethal dose of amphetamines and anti-depressants.
-- Whoever he is, he's selling a book called "7 Simple Laws of Increase, Guaranteed". I'm not a financial professional, but it would seem like step #1 should be "Don't Mail Checks to Scam Artists Selling Books".
And finally, Ed Young TV
-- After all the prosperity gospel stuff, Ed Young, Jr. seems like Charles Spurgeon.
-- We're talking sex today on Ed Young TV. At one point he said, "When you make love to your spouse, you are like the Trinity. You can't tell where one ends and another begins." Those, gentle reader, are the two least sexy sentences ever uttered.
-- If When I become the old guy dressing twenty years younger than I am, please tell me. I don't blame Ed Young for dressing like he's a 25 year old with a perma-tan. I blame the people around him who enable it. It's not OK. Ed, I say this as a friend... it's time to rock the distinguished professor look.
Well, that's all I've got. I hope that my misspent hours have saved you some time.
brother -
i would be careful with comments like these. constructive criticism or even open reproof is one thing, but this sounds a lot like mocking, and not very helpful to either your readers (now guilty by association) or to the people whom you've criticized. we should be diligent to encourage to love and good works, or to even condemn preachers of a false gospel, but to make fun of is a perilous middle. please don't take my comments defensively...the Lord knows how truly guilty i've been of these things in my own past...like the saying goes "it takes one to know one." also, we'd all be edified to read tim keller and d. powlison's recent blog post found here "http://theologica.blogspot.com/2008/08/keller-and-powlison-should-you-pass-on.html" thanks for your time and understanding.
trev
Posted by: trev | Aug 5, 2008 3:38:06 PM
Thanks for taking one for the team...as one who has sat through only a few minutes of Joel and Copeland, I feel your laugh/cries.
Posted by: Jacob | Aug 5, 2008 3:40:21 PM
"I wish that those who are troubling you would even mutilate themselves" (Gal 5:12).
Now, if that's not mocking for the Gospel, I don't know what is. Appreciate your TBN "labors," Mike.
Posted by: Steve | Aug 5, 2008 3:51:16 PM
Trev,
Thanks for your comments and I appreciate the spirit and concern of your correction. I genuinely do not want to seem mean spirited or destructive. I do, however, think it can sometimes be appropriate to "send up" things that are absurd or poke fun at things that are ridiculous. Basically, I am aspiring to be a third rate Carl Trueman.
mike
Posted by: Mike McKinley | Aug 5, 2008 4:24:55 PM
That's funny... I don't care who you are.
Posted by: Zach Terry | Aug 5, 2008 4:51:30 PM
That's hilarious!
Posted by: Stephen | Aug 5, 2008 5:05:07 PM
Hey,
You'd probably also appreciate Justin Peters' work... See: http://www.justinpeters.org and be sure to watch "demo."
He held a seminar at my church on the WoF preachers and comes highly recommended my pastor, Dr. John
MacArthur...
Watching what these guys are doing to God's people is so painful, you do need a little levity :)
Posted by: cls | Aug 5, 2008 7:40:13 PM
Brothers,
Before you relegate mockery solely to the domain of things that are unhelpful, think of the Biblical instances of sarcasm/mockery by godly people (or even by God himself!) How about Elijah's mockery of Baal's prophets? God's sarcasm toward Job? How about in Isaiah 44, when he mocks idolaters who burn half of a log in the fire, and fashion the other half into an idol to worship?
Mockery can be unhelpful . . . sometimes. But when we're talking about perpetuators of false gospels . . . I think we can mock away.
Rae Whitlock
Elder, Grace Central Presbyterian Church
Columbus, OH
Posted by: Rae Whitlock | Aug 5, 2008 8:03:08 PM
"We Watch TBN So You Don't Have To!"
It's a dirty job, but somebody's gotta do it.
To "Amen" Rae, some things are mock-worthy by biblical standards.
Gunny Hartman, pastor
www.ProvidenceChurch.info
Garland, TX (SBC)
Posted by: GUNNY HARTMAN | Aug 6, 2008 12:44:59 AM
Sorry, I almost found as much humor in Trev's comments as I did Mikes! It's slander if it isn't true! It is deceit if it isn't true. It is malice if there is envy involved...Mike are you envying Rod? I didn't think so. Please...these guy/girls are a sham and every time someone exposes them it is a good thing. Yes,lets stay humble ourselves and keep Eph 4:29 on our lips but lets not worry over "mocking" poor "I hate God's Word" TV Evangelist.
Posted by: Dan | Aug 6, 2008 5:22:21 AM
This was hilarious and appropriately so. (I love Adrian Rogers!)
Posted by: Mark McAndrew | Aug 6, 2008 5:45:32 AM
Sadly enough I've been to Parsleys church in Ohio. It's crazy how many people there were so poor! Spiritually mostly... He spent 2 minutes in the Bible, said "that's enough Bible for today," then started running all over the stage! He sold Christmas trees, told the elders to come up front, then told people to give them money as a gift. Then he started the healing session, we left 5 minutes in to that. Disgusting... what a scary group...
Posted by: Dave | Aug 6, 2008 7:54:41 AM
Nice post. While I agree with Trev's (and Tim & David W) comments that we should seek unity and humility, their perspective assumes that the criticism or mocking is towards Christians. I think the argument could be made that many of the "preachers" on TBN (DStar for that matter) are anything BUT Christian. They are preaching a false gospel which is really no gospel at all. Like the Scriptures say, let them be cursed who are doing such things and leading people astray from the true Gospel.
Posts like this one provide many well-intentioned but misinformed Christians a reality check - namely, that just because someone is on TV and claims to be a preacher, annointed one, etc - doesn't mean that they actually are Christian in their teaching.
For those of us who can discern the bad preachers from the DA Carsons, David Jeremiah, John Pipers of today - posts like this are quite humorous.
phil 1:9-11
Posted by: swish | Aug 6, 2008 8:03:42 AM
Could you begin doing this weekly? Maybe start another blog? I wouldn't mind subscribing for a small fee if necessary?
Posted by: Andy Wayne | Aug 6, 2008 8:33:14 AM
A good quote I know of (addint to Raes comment...
"But isn't ridicule cruel? Not really. Good satire isn't cruel since the target deserves it. A punch in the face can be cruel if the recipient is innocent, but it's not cruel to punch a mugger. Satire's mugger is self-righteousness, anything that seeks to steal glory from God--"My glory I will not give to another" (Is. 42:8) and "casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God." (2 Cor. 10:5). When Christians and non-Christians mock God, we deserve ridicule. And God is the first to do it: "He who sits in the heavens shall laugh; the Lord shall hold them in derision" (Ps. 2:2,4). When someone attacks Christians for being narrow-minded and bigoted, they are attacking Christ. The attackers deserve ridicule. Christ ought not to be mocked. As Harry Boonstra comments, holy ridicule "does not mock the serious things of life, but rather people who take themselves too seriously--not God, but man's ecclesiastical idols; not God's word, but man's interpretation of that Word; not the faith once delivered to the saints, but the sometimes silly caperings of those saints."
Satire can be light--a humorous jab between friends--and it can be very heavy--dark scorn about ultimate issues. Scripture abounds with plenty of dark scorn, and Christ uses ridicule repeatedly and powerfully. Note His self-righteous targets. He ridicules the Pharisees by suggesting very pointedly that we picture them as people being obsessed with removing small flies out of their mouths while choking down a camel (Matt. 23:24) and that hypocrites are like someone with a two-by-four sticking out of his eye socket fussing about slivers in others' eyes (Matt. 7:5). Christ's parables are bursting with satire, with the Lord ridiculing those consumed by envy, vainglory, and materialism. James mocks those who give pleasant religious words but not food to the needy (Jas. 2:16), and Paul mocks the judaizers, suggesting that if they are so obsessively concerned with circumcision, they should go all the way and lop the whole thing off! (Gal. 5:11). Elijah, of course, shines in his satire of the enemies of God, mocking that perhaps their god "is meditating, or he is busy, or he is on a journey, or perhaps he is sleeping and must be awakened" (1 Kgs. 18:27). The list goes on.
Though satire is very Christlike, it can certainly be abused. Sometimes the target doesn't deserve it. Sometimes the target is prohibited. And life always requires a wise balance. Someone who is always satirical, sarcastic, or humorous is simply a bore. Sometimes people are just trying to wound and not teach. Good satire always focuses on characteristics that are correctable. As Swift penned of himself, "Yet malice never was his aim; he lashed the vice, but spared the name. . . . His satire points at no defect, but what all mortals may correct.""
-Douglas Jones
Posted by: Michael Terry | Aug 6, 2008 9:30:43 AM
My elderly mother watches EWTN. AAAallllll day. After the 20th time of hearing the rosary, I have wanted to jump off the balcony. (Good thing her house is only one level...wink) You certainly made me laugh.
Posted by: Kathy | Aug 6, 2008 10:13:13 AM
Thanks for that, Mike. I love that the phrase translated "perhaps he his busy" in 1 Kings 18 is better translated (in our vernacular) as "perhaps he is on the can".
Posted by: Rae Whitlock | Aug 6, 2008 10:14:56 AM
I agree that this was beneficial, or at least it was to me, but, I think Adrian Rogers is the most dangerous one out of all the preachers you watched.
Just said that hoping that nobody reads this post and walks away believing that Mr. Rogers is a faithful preacher of the Gospel.
Thanks
Posted by: Jeff Hill | Aug 6, 2008 12:06:21 PM
So funny and yet so sad at the same time. I am thinking of all of the people watching and buying into the bad preaching.
Wasn't it Creflo who said Jesus rode in on a new donkey so God wants you to drive a nice car?
Wow.
Posted by: Doug | Aug 6, 2008 1:39:57 PM
***This old nun is just saying "Haily Mary" after "Hail Mary"***
It's likely Mother Angelica from a taped recording, praying the Rosary. John Armstrong describes some of her remarkable story here: http://johnharmstrong.typepad.com/john_h_armstrong_/2007/05/mother_angelica.html
I'm Catholic, but I don't enjoy the televised rosary and have always felt weird "joining" in prayer with anyone through television, even when I was Protestant. That said, I think there is actually a lot of programming on EWTN that evangelicals could enjoy and benefit from (shows about Chesterton, Augustine, etc.). For good Catholic preaching and catechetics, Fr. Corapi is pretty standard on there. Frs. Neuhaus and Rutler would also probably be appreciated for their rhetorical gifts alone.
***Seriously, for like 10 minutes. I have to admit, after Rod Parsley, this is kind of refreshing.***
When praying the Hail Mary's in the Rosary, one contemplates events in the life of Christ and his mother. So if you were able to watch for at least 10 Hail Mary's, you'd reach a "Glory Be" and then the announcement of the next event for contemplates (called a "mystery"), and then an "Our Father" (or "Lord's Prayer").
***I do not get the appeal of this religion.***
To understand the appeal, I usually recommend a book or two by Thomas Howard -- *Evangelical Is Not Enough* or *On Being Catholic* His books are very irenic and respectful of his evangelical background and family (he's Elizabeth Elliot's brother for those that didn't know). Other recommendations would be Karl Adams' *Spirit of Catholicism* or heck, even the *Catechism of the Catholic Church*. While informed evangelicals will surely have their concerns with all of the above, I think it would go a long way in understanding why people go there and/or stay.
***It's like none of the fun of the Prosperity Gospel and none of the truth of the real gospel.***
Naturally, I couldn't disagree more. Haven't you seen the Simpsons episode with Catholic and Protestant heaven? :)
http://www.videosift.com/video/Simpsons-Protestant-Vs-Catholic-Heaven
Posted by: Chad Toney | Aug 6, 2008 2:11:04 PM
You guys have got to be kidding me. This is crazy. Mike, throw away your TV. Mike, why does it take 36 minutes to load your kids into a van, try spanking a little more often and watching a little less TV.
Who keeps tabs on the 9Marks blog? Does Mark? Do the Capitol Hill elders? Your rudeness has crossed the line this time Mike. I look forward to a post in the near future correcting these actions or changing the policies of the 9Marks blog.
Posted by: Rick Canfield | Aug 6, 2008 9:37:04 PM
Whats with all the Senior Pastors. What does that mean? Does it mean that you are the senior elder? The senior presbyuteros? I don't get it. Where is senior pastor mentioned in the Bible? Isn't church leadership supposed to be a plurality of elders? Isn't Jesus the senior pastor? The chief shepherd?
Posted by: Rick Canfield | Aug 6, 2008 10:37:27 PM
Rick,
I didn't mean to imply that my children were disobedient. They are simply very profoundly clumsy. I'm not sure why that would be of interest to the CHBC elders, but if they have suggestions, I'm all ears.
Warmly,
mike
Posted by: Michael McKinley | Aug 7, 2008 7:32:18 AM
Hey, I've never bothered to watch ANY of these charlatans, not for many years. Something about a chemical blonde poof hairdo bobbing unnaturally a few inches above a face recently removed from a jar by the door.... doesn't take 20-20 vision to see through THAT one. Find and watch that old flick from the 1970's Marjoe. If that doesn't put the rout to all this ilk of "programming" check your batteries!! Which reminds me of another lod flick, Sister Act. Having been raised in the RCC, and watching that with my Mum (who was still a faithful Catholic) we laughed our heads off, in no small part because we GOT the satire skillfully woven throughout that film. And speaking of satire, I appreciated the Doug Jones quote, and would encourage any sceptics (concerning the use and propriety of satire) to read Douglas Wilson's book Serrated Edge. But the funniest bit of satire in this whole post was the bit about our noble author's 38 minute process for getting his offspring into the van....... I appreciate a man who, in the midst of working satire on all and sundry, does not eschew the opportunity to lance himself.
Posted by: lewsta | Aug 7, 2008 12:19:39 PM
I have to agree with the comment by Chad Toney.
You may not like the Rosary but it is a meditative prayer on the life of Christ.
Posted by: Oso Famoso | Aug 7, 2008 3:17:28 PM