Hey Mike,

Don't worry, man, I'll be in your session cheering you on.  Of course, I think I'm introducing you and your topic.  But it'll be an honor to be there and I can't think of anywhere else I'd rather be.  Really.

Dee, great questions bro.  This can be a source of great pressure and strife inside a church and between a pastor and his wife.  Churches would do well to be careful about their expectations for a pastor's wife.

First, "pastor's wife" is not a biblical office.  She is not given specific qualifications in 1 Tim. 3.  Titus does not include instructions for her duties, etc.  Despite the whole "first lady" and "co-pastor" phenomena in some church circles, there are no biblical responsibilities for her other than being a good Christian, wife, and mother, which fall to all the women with this calling.

Second, it's important for the pastor, wife, and church to realize that many women in this role have discipleship needs of their own and not a few insecurities because of all the horror stories.  So treating her like "just another member who happens to be married to the pastor" should go some ways in letting her grow spiritually and easing her fears.  The "fishbowl" is a terribly lonely and painful place to live.  Always being on display is simply paralyzing. 

Third, the pastor really must shepherd his wife through this.  Which means he needs to kindly but clearly put the leaders and church on notice that her main responsibility is to be his wife.  It's not a "2-for-1 deal."  And for him to serve faithfully and fruitfully, he needs her to be his wife, not another elder.  So, guys have to step up here and protect the wife from unbiblical expectations and from burdens she may place on herself. 

Finally, I'd say, if at all possible, take a new charge when your wife is about 4-5 months pregnant.  Of course, I'm only joking (half-joking).  We moved to Cayman when Kristie was about 4.5 months pregnant with Titus, in all her showing glory.  The older ladies loved her.  And because they loved her they put up with me.  Great planning, if I do say so myself.

Kidding aside, though, the Lord has brought us to what must be one of the most gracious and kind congregations on the planet when it comes to caring for the pastor's wife and family.  We've been nothing but loved and honored here.  And as far as I can tell, Kristie has been free to be herself and to settle into life and routine here with wide and deep support.  And that's allowed her to be very fruitful in a number of ways as the Lord has given opportunity. 

That's the counter-intuitive part of all this: It's when the pastor's wife is free to be herself without impositions and demands that she becomes fruitful.  But try to exert unbiblical or extra-biblical requirements and she very often must retreat from the life of the church for her own well-being.  Churches would be wise to support the pastor's wife in being the pastor's wife.  The Lord will give the increase.