Deepak,

Thanks for the great question about pastors' wives.
Thabiti, thanks for the great response.

As someone who made his greatest ever decision in his life (that wasn't effected by irresistible grace - though she's pretty irresistible) in asking Hannah to marry me, let me give unmarried (would-be-)pastors some tips on looking for a woman who will make an exceptional pastor's wife.

1) Recognise that an exceptional pastor's wife is someone who will be exceptional at encouraging you to be a faithful pastor. This means first of all that you will have someone who loves Jesus, and loves to see you love Jesus. Whenever I act in transparently sinful ways, I'm so thankful for a wife who is quick to encourage me to spend time in the word and on my knees.

Though there are no biblical qualifications for pastors wives, I think it is a practical necessity that a pastor has a wife who deeply loves Jesus. If not, he has enough pastoral work to do within his family without seeking pastoral responsibilities outside of it.

2) Don't marry a woman who has as her life's ambition the desire to be an exceptional pastor's wife. If, as Thabiti so rightly said, "pastor's wife" is not a biblical office, look for a woman who will be a great wife and mother. A woman who particularly wants to marry you because you are a pastor may have all kinds of pre-conceived expectations of what her life might look like in that role, but it is very likely that just trying to be a faithful wife, and, Lord willing, mother will not be high enough on her agenda.

When Hannah and I started talking about marriage, she was willing to be a pastor's wife because she wanted to marry me. Don't go marrying someone who is willing to marry you because she wants to be a pastor's wife.

3) Before marrying, make it clear that you feel that the Lord would have you serve as a pastor.

When you are married, however, recognise that the possible places where you will serve the Lord will be made clear to you in part by the response of your wife to particular opportunities. So, if you decide that the Lord calls you to go to be a missionary in India, and your wife makes it clear that she is unwilling, recognise that the Lord is saying through your wife "no, not now". If you still really feel the Lord would have you in India, pray for a change of heart in your wife, but don't go "with or without her consent". I'm grateful for the Lord's providence in using Carey's decision to go to India without his wife's consent. However, I don't think that this decision should ever be a model of how we prioritise ministry to the world over ministry to our wives, however strategic that ministry might be.

OK Carey fans, shoot me down...

Hey Mike,

Don't worry, man, I'll be in your session cheering you on.  Of course, I think I'm introducing you and your topic.  But it'll be an honor to be there and I can't think of anywhere else I'd rather be.  Really.

Dee, great questions bro.  This can be a source of great pressure and strife inside a church and between a pastor and his wife.  Churches would do well to be careful about their expectations for a pastor's wife.

First, "pastor's wife" is not a biblical office.  She is not given specific qualifications in 1 Tim. 3.  Titus does not include instructions for her duties, etc.  Despite the whole "first lady" and "co-pastor" phenomena in some church circles, there are no biblical responsibilities for her other than being a good Christian, wife, and mother, which fall to all the women with this calling.

Second, it's important for the pastor, wife, and church to realize that many women in this role have discipleship needs of their own and not a few insecurities because of all the horror stories.  So treating her like "just another member who happens to be married to the pastor" should go some ways in letting her grow spiritually and easing her fears.  The "fishbowl" is a terribly lonely and painful place to live.  Always being on display is simply paralyzing. 

Third, the pastor really must shepherd his wife through this.  Which means he needs to kindly but clearly put the leaders and church on notice that her main responsibility is to be his wife.  It's not a "2-for-1 deal."  And for him to serve faithfully and fruitfully, he needs her to be his wife, not another elder.  So, guys have to step up here and protect the wife from unbiblical expectations and from burdens she may place on herself. 

Finally, I'd say, if at all possible, take a new charge when your wife is about 4-5 months pregnant.  Of course, I'm only joking (half-joking).  We moved to Cayman when Kristie was about 4.5 months pregnant with Titus, in all her showing glory.  The older ladies loved her.  And because they loved her they put up with me.  Great planning, if I do say so myself.

Kidding aside, though, the Lord has brought us to what must be one of the most gracious and kind congregations on the planet when it comes to caring for the pastor's wife and family.  We've been nothing but loved and honored here.  And as far as I can tell, Kristie has been free to be herself and to settle into life and routine here with wide and deep support.  And that's allowed her to be very fruitful in a number of ways as the Lord has given opportunity. 

That's the counter-intuitive part of all this: It's when the pastor's wife is free to be herself without impositions and demands that she becomes fruitful.  But try to exert unbiblical or extra-biblical requirements and she very often must retreat from the life of the church for her own well-being.  Churches would be wise to support the pastor's wife in being the pastor's wife.  The Lord will give the increase.

Thabiti, Mike M., Mike G., Aaron, Jonathan and Greg,

What are reasonable expectations for a church to have for a pastor's wife?  Before we arrived at CHBC, we were told that aside from the pastor's wife caring for her husband and children and occasional doing hospitality, there were no particular expectations for the pastor's wife.  For us, these expectations have turned out to be a true representation of what we have experienced in DC. 

Unlike our own situation, I know a lot of friends in ministry who have wives who are under an immense amount of pressure to be Superwoman--play piano, lead a woman's bible study, be an amazing chef, disciple lots of women, have  exemplary children, respond to any and every crisis, etc.  Are churches unreasonable about the expectations they put on the pastor's wife?  Even worse, does a pastor's wife typically put a lot of pressure on herself to be superwoman?  Do pastors put too much pressure on their spouse to do much more than is reasonable for any human being? 

Gentlemen, what do you think?

Yesterday I posted some initial thoughts about the pastor's family budget.  Here are some of the reasoning that I laid out for myself and shared with our church's elders as I hashed out my family's 2010 budget.  Some of the specifics have been redacted (I'm all for transparency in the church, but not on the web!).  

Hey guys,

It's budget season around our church, and we're working on hashing out how much money it will take to address both the needs of the congregation and the dreams that the Lord has laid on our hearts for ministry and missions in 2010.

Well, August is vacation time for many pastors.  Our family will be heading out to Ocean City, NJ (site of this conference) at the end of the month.  I am reminded of this excellent article by CJ Mahaney on what it means to be a leader on your family's vacation.  It's got seven lessons to remember while on vacation:

McKinley, the two bits on sanctification, priceless.  Those have ministered to me this morning and I trust will be showing up all over Grand Cayman in sermon illustrations, counseling sessions, and conversations.  I'm glad you're on the 9Marks payroll!

On another note, Mother's Day is approaching.  Consider this a friendly public service announcement to the prone to forget, prone to miss an opportunity to honor your mother and women who bore your children.  I'm not naming any names; you know who you are.

At any rate, THIS is not a suitable Mother's Day gift for that special woman in your life.  But it is an edifying couple of hours.  The good folks at the Sovereign Grace Pastors' Conference provided two workshops for those dear saints (and by saints, I mean saints; canonize thise women!) who are married to pastors.  For your listening pleasure:

The Pastor’s Wife and Culture: What Feminism Has Done to Femininity (Carolyn McCulley) Listen

The Pastor’s Wife and Ministry Opportunities: Five Great Deals She Won’t Want to Miss (Carolyn Mahaney)  Listen

By the way, how--if at all--will your churches recognize mothers on Mother's Day?

Hey Guys,

Greg, thanks for your kind words about Ebenezer. While Mark has been busy cleaning and visiting, we were busy cranking out another tax credit child.

I've got a million random thoughts for blog posts running through my mind, but I'm a little short on time to compose them properly. So, here are a couple that have stuck in my brain:

-- Greg, good post about loving your enemies. Thanks for taking that on. BTW, if you're looking for a quote for a sermon that sounds good but upon further examination is completely false, Rabbi Boteach is a gold mine.

-- Thabiti, you raise a good question in your post about small groups. I think small groups are fine. I think the bigger question is why we Reformed folks have so many rules. When people in our congregation move away and ask for advice on finding a church, I always tell them "There's a fine line between Reformed and crazy". I fully appreciate the need to think carefully about what Scripture tells us about how to conduct our lives together in churches, that's why I love 9Marks. But the rules tire me out.

-- Did I mention that my wife had a c-section without anaesthesia? Let that sink in for a second. That is so punk rock. (To be clear, they administered the anaesthesia, but it didn't work. And my wife wouldn't let them knock her out.)

-- We were at a mega-church a few Sundays back and I was struck by the fact that my kids will have no idea what a normal church is like. At the beginning of the service, we noticed that no one in the congregation was singing. Literally. My wife and I stopped singing, because it seemed like maybe we shouldn't be (even though the lyrics were on the screen). My 6 year old daughter looked at me in the middle of the service and asked "Why isn't anyone singing?". My four year old looked at me and asked "What is that banging?" "Drums", I replied. "In church?", he asked incredulously.

-- It should be interesting. That same mega-church (in which I grew up) has just hired a pastor who is going to shake things up in a 9 Marks friendly direction (sorry for not unpacking that more, but this is a blog and you know what I mean). He seems like a great guy and he preached a tremendous message on the cross from I Corinthians 2.

-- I love Christmas music. The new Harry Connick, Jr. Christmas album is great. But I enjoy offbeat Christmas music as well. My personal favorites in that category are: White Christmas by Stiff Little Fingers, Christmas Day by Desmond Dekker and the Aces, and Merry Christmas Baby (I Don't Want to Fight Tonight) by the Ramones. [Warning: if you don't think non-Christians should make music, you won't like these songs.]

-- From the payback files... on Sunday, Jonathan Leeman pinch-hit for me and preached a great message from Colossians 2. But he began the sermon by mocking my newborn child's name, which needless to say was in exceedingly poor taste. Seiously, who picks on a two day old child just because he has more hair than you do? Strangely, everyone in the congregation laughed heartily. Maybe they wanted to be polite to the guest preacher. Later, however, I realized that Jonathan's lovely wife is due to give birth on June 20th of this year. Guess who is scheduled to preach on June 21st at Capitol Hill Baptist? That's right, yours truly. Payback.

That's enough for now. I'm heading back to enjoy the family.